Grandma vs. the Law

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question
if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a
Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the
stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do
you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and
frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You
lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people
and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to
realize you never will amount to anything more than a
two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do
you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.
Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy,
bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build
a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three different
women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench
and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you
idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the
electric chair

Five Surgeons

Five surgeons


Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says,

"I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds,

"Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."


The third surgeon says,

"No, I really think librarians are best -everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in:

"You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."


But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:

"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Walking Contradictions

Read between the _______!



DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish...... ......... ......... ......... ......... ........49
Adventurous. ......... ......... ......... Slept with everyone
Athletic.... ......... ......... ......... ......... ...No tits
Average looking..... ......... ......... ......... ........Ugly
Beautiful... ......... ......... ......... ..Pathological liar
Contagious Smile....... ......... ........Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure...... ......... ......... ....On medication
Feminist.... ......... ......... ......... ......... .......Fat
Free spirit...... ......... ......... ......... ......... Junkie
Friendship first....... .......Former very *friendly* person
Fun......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ..Annoying
New Age......... ......... .....Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned. ......... ......... ......... ......... .No B Js
Open-minded. ......... ......... ......... ......... .Desperate
Outgoing.... ......... ......... .......Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.. ......... ......... ......... .......Sloppy drunk
Professional. ......... ......... ......... ......... ....Bitch
Voluptuous.. ......... ......... ......... ......... ..Very Fat
Large frame....... ......... ......... ......... ....Hugely Fat
Wants Soul Mate........ ......... ......... ......... ..Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay


A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with
rugged, masculine features.
And when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and
set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved
up his backside

Cure For Dengue

Subject: Cure for Dengue
Date: Thu, 14 Sep 2006 23:05:13 -0400

Cure for Dengue

I would like to share this interesting discovery from a classmate's son who has just recovered from dengue fever. Apparently, his son was in the critical stage at the SJMC ICU when his pallet counts drops to 15 after 15 liters of blood transfusion.

His father was so worried that he seeks another friend's recommendation and his son was saved. He confessed to me that he give his son raw juice of the papaya leaves. From a pallet count of 45 after 20 liters of blood transfusion, and after drinking the raw papaya leaf juice, his pallet count jumps instantly to 135. Even the doctors and nurses were surprised.

After the second day he was discharged. So he asks me to pass this good news around.
Accordingly it is raw papaya leaves, 2pcs just cleaned and pound and squeeze with filter cloth. You will only get one tablespoon per leaf. So two tablespoon per serving once a day. Do not boil or cook or rinse with hot water, it will loose its strength. Only the leafy part and no stem or sap. It is very bitter and you have to swallow it like Won Low Kat. But it works.


Papaya Juice - Cure for Dengue

You may have heard this elsewhere but if not I am glad to inform you that papaya juice is a natural cure for dengue fever. As dengue fever is rampant now, I think it's good to share this with all.

A friend of mine had dengue last year. It was a very serious situation for her as her platelet count had dropped to 28,000 after 3 days in hospital and water has started to fill up her lung. She had difficulty in breathing. She was only 32-year old. Doctor says there's no cure for dengue. We just have to wait for her body immune system to build up resistance against dengue and fight its own battle. She already had 2 blood transfusion and all of us were praying very hard as her platelet continued to drop since the first day she was admitted.

Fortunately her mother-in-law heard that papaya juice would help to reduce the fever and got some papaya leaves, pounded them and squeeze the juice out for her. The next day, her platelet count started to increase, her fever subside. We continued to feed her with papaya juice and she recovered after 3 days!!! Amazing but it's true. It's believed one's body would be overheated when one is down with dengue and that also caused the patient to have fever papaya juice has cooling effect. Thus, it helps to reduce the level of heat in one's body, thus the fever will go away. I found that
it's also good when one is having sore throat or suffering from heat.

Please spread the news about this as lately there are many dengue cases. It's great if such natural cure could help to ease the sufferings of dengue patients. Furthermore it's so easily available. Blend them and squeeze the juice! It's simple and miraculously effective!!

Requirements for Happiness

This forwarded email attracted my attention. Just like the book "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars"

To make a woman happy ............ .. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes





&
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Leave him alone