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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Annoyed Son

An 80 year old father was sitting on the sofa in his house along with his 45 years old highly educated son.
Suddenly a crow perched on their window.

The Father asked his Son, "What is It?" The Son replied "It is a crow".

After a few minutes, the Father asked his Son the 2nd time, "What is It?"
The Son said "Father, I have just now told you "It's a crow".

After a little while, the old Father again asked his Son the 3rd time,

What is It?"

At this time some expression of irritation was felt in the Son's tone when he said to his Father with a rebuff.
"It's a crow, a crow".

A little after, the Father again asked his Son t he 4th time, "What is It?"

This time the Son shouted at his Father, "Why do you keep asking me the same question again and again,
although I have told you so many times 'IT IS A CROW'. Are you not able to understand?"

A little later the Father went to his room and came back with an old tattered diary, which he had maintained
since his Son was born. On opening a page, he asked his Son to read that page. When the son read it, the
following words were written in the diary :-

"Today my little son aged two was sitting with me on the sofa, I put the newly bought adornment (crow) on the window.
My Son asked me 23 times what it was, and I replied to him all 23 times that it was a Crow. I hugged him
lovingly each time he asked me the same question again and again for 23 times. I did not at all feel irritated
I rather felt affection for my innocent child".

While the little child asked him 23 times "What is it", the Father had felt no irritation in replying to the
same question all 23 times and when today the Father asked his Son the same question just 4 times, the Son
felt irritated and annoyed.

If your parents attain old age, do not repulse them or look at them as a burden, but speak to them a gracious word,
be cool, obedient, humble and kind to them. Be considerate to your parents. From today say this aloud, "I want to
see my parents happy forever. They have cared for me ever since I was a little child. They have always showered
their selfless love on me.

They crossed all mountains and valleys without seeing the storm and heat to make me a person presentable in
the society today".

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Tech Support 2

Dear IT Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower, gifts and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and World Cup 2.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Desperate Housewife



Dear Desperate Housewife,

First keep in mind:

Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download
Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.

If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night Teh Tarik 6.1.

Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Tasty Food 3.0 and Tongkat Ali 6.9.

Good Luck,

IT Support

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Think Again

Attachment Warning:
Contains adult oriented humor!


Exactly where is your mind these days? We hate to
hazard a guess, but if you ended up on these pages, my
guess is that you were wondering that same question.
The following test is a cute excersize that should
give you an idea what you are thinking about.

Look over the series of questions and write down the
first answer that comes to your mind.

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When
I'm not well, I drip.
When you blow me, you feel good. What Am I?

2. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me
People sometimes lick my nuts. What Am I?

3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang
from me.
I'm called a big swinger. What Am I?

4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn't maiden
for long.
A big hard thing ripped me open. What Am I?

5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to
get me up.
I get wet before you do. What Am I?

6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and
ask you not to swallow.
I can fill your hole. What Am I?

7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when
you're bored.
The best man always has me first. What Am I?

8. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads
from my shaft.
Both men and women go down on me. What Am I?

9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.
What Am I?

10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff
your box.
When I come, it's news. What Am I?

11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times.
You use your fingers to get me off. What Am I?

12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver. What Am I?

13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist.
I plead and plead for it. What Am I?

14. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have
a little pecker.
I'm better in your hand than in your bush. What Am

Now, lets see how close your mind was to the actual

Scroll down below to find out….

Your almost there!

It's coming…….

And here are the answers…………

Sexual Tension Test Answers

This is what you were thinking, right? (Yeah right!!!)


1. Your nose.
2. Peanut butter.
3. A crane.
4. The Titanic.
5. A tent.
6. Your Dentist.
7. A wedding ring.
8. An elevator.
9. Chewing Gum.
10. The newspaper carrier.
11. A glove.
12. An arrow.
13. An attorney.
14. A bird.

Monday, August 13, 2007


This story happened a few months ago along the Tagaytay Road. There was a
guy who got left behind by a pack of mountain bikers. The group was large
and he didn't bring a cellphone. He crashed his bike somewhere between
Picnic Grove and DBP. To make things worse,
a storm came in. So he walked.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in
the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by. The
storm was so strong he could hardly see
a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly, just before the junction going to Manila, he saw a car slowly
looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and
stopped. It was raining hard, wind blowing all around you, what would you
do? Like you would, he got into the car and closed the door, then realized
that there was nobody inside the car.... even in the drivers seat.

The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to
think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly
approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life;
he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge
to his death, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the
window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the

Terrified, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a
curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran
to the nearest place where there were houses and a store.

Wet and in shock, he went into the store and with voice quavering, ordered
two bottles of beer, and told the people about his horrible, supernatural
experience. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was
apparently sane and not drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same store.

One said to the other....... ...

"Yan! Yan yung tarantadong sumakay habang nagtutulak tayo..."

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Management Fables and Parables


Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give
$800 to drop that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

(apparently, there is no such verse in Psalm 129 which denotes the above message. not even close. Don't even bother to check on your Bibles)

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A Small rabbit
saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure , why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually Gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay
there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following
the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


Wednesday, August 01, 2007



A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one
of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted
indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in
public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my
frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '."

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again

Pinoy Humor!!

GMA: Ano bang hinahanap mo dyan sa 3 in 1 coffee mo at kanina ka pa
silip nang silip dyan?
Erap: Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal! May nakasulat kasi na
GMA: Bobo! Banda yun!

Bitoy: Dagul, bakit ang pandak mo?
Dagul: Kasi, bata pa lang ako, ulila na ako.
Bitoy: Anong kaugnayan nun sa pagiging pandak mo?
Dagul: Sira pala ulo mo! Wala ngang nagpalaki sa akin!

Mr: kung marunong ka lang sanang maglaba, eh di nka2tipid sana tayo ng
2000 sa maid.
Mrs: hmmph!! kung ikaw mgling sa kama , eh di nakatipid tayo ng 7500 sa

Doc: kambal anak mo. sister mo nagbigay ng names
Ina: eh tanga un doc, ano pinangalan sa mga anak ko?
Doc: sa girl, DENICE.
Ina: aba, ok un! eh sa boy?

Son: Ma, bakit kayo tumatalbog sa ibabaw ni daddy??
Mom: Wala anak, pinapaliit ko lang tiyan ng Daddy mo.
Son: Nye! Mapapagod ka lang kasi hinihipan din uli yan ni yaya!

A black baby was given a pair of wings by a fairy....
Baby: does this mean im an angel??
Fairy laughs....
Fairy: Of course not! negrang 'to, ambisyosa! Paniki ka!

doc: iho, bakit mu naman sinapak ung lalaki kanina?
Boy: e doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako ako sa resulta ng AIDS test!
tapos sasabihin pa niya...

In a petshop...
Customer (talking to a parrot): "Hoy! can you speak ha? can you speak?
Parrot: "Yes, I can! Ikaw? Can you fly, ha? Can you fly? GAGO!"

Bigo sa pag-ibig??
Maghanap na lng ng....
KUBA - mapagkumbaba
PILAY - di ka tatakbuhan
BULAG - la paki sa looks
PIPI - di nagbibitiw ng bad words.
at eto the best....
DULING - di ka hahayaan mag-isa!

Magkaibigan kumakain...
Pedro: Anong palaman ng tinapay mo?
Juan: Kiso!
Pedro: Kiso? Ano ka ba nakakahiya ka! Hindi yan kiso!
Chess yan.. CHESS!!

Anong tawag sa uod na nasa gitna ng kalsada??... ..e di matapang!!

Baliw1: bakit ang airplane, pag umiikot ang elisi, umaangat sa lupa??
bakit ung bintilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa rin??
Baliw2: Tanga ka pala e! kasi ung bintilador may kurdon, pinipigilan

Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kunin ko lang toothbrush ko.
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: pasok na. wala na ako panty!

3 Baliw sa Mental nagku2wentuhan. ..
B1: ako presidente dito!
B2: wala ka sa akin! ako si bush, presidente sa america!
B1: cno nagsabi?
B2: Ang Diyos!
B3: At kelan kita sinabihan??

Prof: who among u experienced having sex with a ghost??
Juan raised his hand...
Prof: Really?? how does it feel to have sex with a Ghost?
Juan: Ay pucha! Akala ko goats!!

Q: Bakit tahimik magbukas ng medicine ang tanga??.....
A: Ayaw niyang magising ang mga sleeping pills..

Erap writing on a slumbook...
Favorite actor:
Schawrze.. (erase)
Schaw.. (erase)
Swarzen.. (erase)
Washen.. (erase)
Arnold Clavio..

Teacher: jigs, ano susunod sa 7?
Jigs: 8 po!
Teacher: sa 2?
Jigs: 3 po!
Teacher: ang galing mo! sino nagturo sayo?
Jigs: tatay ko po!
Teacher: O sige, ano susunod sa 10?
Jigs: Jack po!

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, GOLF 7.5, and SOFTBALL 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

A Troubled User



Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support


A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam was having trouble with one of her students the tacher asked,"Boy, what is your problem?"

Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms. Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.

While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Boy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Boy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms. Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade."

Ms. Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agree.

Ms. Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy, after a moment "Legs."

Ms. Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Boy: "Pockets."

Ms. Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut

Ms. Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.

Boy: Bubblegum

Ms. Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy: Shake hands

Ms. Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Boy: Yep.

Ms. Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent

Ms. Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy: Wedding Ring

Ms. Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Boy: Nose

Ms. Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow

Ms. Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?

Boy: Firetruck

Ms. Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand.

Boy: Fork

Ms. Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?


Ms. Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to the University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"